Is that all there is? 13 juni 2008

Is that all there is? Godt spørsmål… Jeg har spurt meg selv om det samme i dag. Går rundt i ett nett av taushet for tiden. Det er blitt så vanskelig å snakke.

IS THAT ALL THERE IS?
Peggy Lee

I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I’ll never forget the look on my father’s face as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, “Is that all there is to a fire”

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing
Let’s break out the booze and have a ball
If that’s all there is

And when I was 12 years old, my father took me to a circus, the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears.
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And so I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle.
I had the feeling that something was missing.
I don’t know what, but when it was over,
I said to myself, “is that all there is to a circus?

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing
Let’s break out the booze and have a ball
If that’s all there is

Then I fell in love, head over heels in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other’s eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day he went away and I thought I’d die, but I didn’t,
and when I didn’t I said to myself, “is that all there is to love?”

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing

I know what you must be saying to yourselves,
if that’s the way she feels about it why doesn’t she just end it all?
Oh, no, not me. I’m in no hurry for that final disappointment,
for I know just as well as I’m standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I’m breathing my last breath, I’ll be saying to myself

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing
Let’s break out the booze and have a ball
If that’s all there is

 

Det er tanken som teller, eller hva? 18 april 2008

Jeg hadde tenkt at dagens mål var å gå i butikken og å hente medisiner på apoteket. Etter nok ei søvnløs natt, så har dagen i dag vært temmelig ubrukelig. Lite og ingen søvn er alt annet enn bra for formen. Så i stedet for å nå dagens mål, har jeg hatt en dag med angst og total manglende evne til å komme meg i klær og tørre å stikke snuten ut av døra. Jeg er med andre ord helt ubrukelig.

Nå er det helg, mannen har kommet hjem og vi kan kanskje finne på noe sammen, små ting som ellers er helt uproblematisk når jeg er mitt normale meg. Han ser og selv om han ikke fullt ut forstår, så er han i stand til å respektere at selv det uforståelige er vanskelig i den tilstanden psyken min er. Så han sier at vi kan sitte i solveggen på terrassen, vi kan gå en liten tur sammen, ta små ting av gangen og ikke stresse med uovervinnelige planer akkurat nå. Han er fantastisk, virkelig, og jeg ser hvor heldig jeg er som har en mann som elsker meg selv når jeg er helt handikappa som nå.

Han ga meg en stor varm omfavnelse da han kom hjem, og sa: “Det er i orden, vennen min, jeg forstår, vi tar det pø-om-pø, og tar et lite skritt i gangen. Ikke noe stress, ikke noe press, jeg vet at du ikke ønsker å være så lammet, og jeg vet at det ikke er noe du velger. Men det går bra, jeg lover at alt skal bli bra igjen…” Og  jeg er så takknemlig for at jeg har en kjæreste som etter alle disse åra aksepterer at jeg ikke har det så bra nå, og som stiller opp uten å stille krav.

Antony and the Johnsons - Hope there’s someone
 

Hope there’s someone
Who’ll take care of me
When I die, will I go

Hope there’s someone
Who’ll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I’m tired

There’s a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head

Oh I’m scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don’t want to be the one
Left in there, left in there

There’s a man on the horizon
Wish that I’d go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head

So here’s hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend I don’t want to go
To the seal’s watershed

Hope there’s someone
Who’ll take care of me
When I die, Will I go

Hope there’s someone
Who’ll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I’m tired

Som silke for sjelen 6 mars 2008

P!nk: Family Portrait 28 februar 2008